meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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