I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
