I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
