It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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