I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
