A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
