I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
