Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
