The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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