please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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