i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
