The maid of honor just puked.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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