you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
