dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
