Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
