Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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