No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
