I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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