Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
