I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He felt like a one man threesome
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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