Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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