I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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