Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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