I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
