yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
