Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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