I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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