i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
