Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
