I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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