The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Randomize
