seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
my being single is dangerous.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
