Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
