The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize