don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize