You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
