Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
