Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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