I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
