It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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