I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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