I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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