I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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