my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
