Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
