What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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