The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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