So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
