just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
