the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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