The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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