i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize