Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
