He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
