foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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