11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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