His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
