sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
