please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
