Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
