So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
