Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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