I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
