That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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