While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
