I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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