Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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