I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I need moral support for this bender
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
