When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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