That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
